Quit Asking Me to Revise Your Papers

Many of my friends ask me to read/edit their papers because I have the tendency to come off as a grammar Nazi. How weird, you might think, you're Asian... Yes, I am. But I can speak and write English really good (see what I did there?). Although I am 100% Korean, I have never left this damn country (except for Canada), and so I am very American. English is my first language. I did take Spanish for a couple of years, but I know very little. My favorite sentence to say is: Me encantan las galletas (I love cookies). And I can understand/read/write/speak some Korean. But mainly, I stick with English (although, I'm hoping to learn more Korean).

For someone who always corrects people, I have made a few memorable mistakes myself. So, you should probably stop trusting me with your papers. Here are some of my worst mistakes. Enjoy.

1. When I was younger (somewhere between 4-8 years old), I would travel to Chicago with my parents. I used to ask, "Are we in Chicango yet?" Yeah, say that out loud: Chi-cang-go. Might I remind you, I was pretty freaking young...give me a break.
2. Around that same time, I also called Spaghetti "pasketti" (I also just misspelled spaghetti--thank you spellcheck).
3. I have always had a problem pronouncing the word "full." For some reason, I will say it like this: I ate way too much; I am so fool. You might think that they're pretty much the same, but there is a distinct difference in the way those two words sound out loud.
4. Okay, those last three didn't really count, but you will enjoy this one. Sophomore year of high school, my english class had to write short stories for a practice OGT (Ohio Graduation Tests). In my short story, I wrote about a basketball game I had just watched my friends play the night before. When we were finished, we had to share them with someone sitting near us. I handed mine over to the guy I had been crushing on for years (you know who you are). And after a few minutes, he looked at me and said, "Lindsey, I think you meant teeter totter." I read my sentence: Both teams scored after the other; the game went back and forth like a tater tot. (Palm meet forehead)
5. In my most recent short story, I wrote about the ground being littered in cigarette butts...however, I wrote cigarette "buds." (Thanks Matthew Douglas Stewart for that one)

Alright, so my mistakes aren't as horrid as I made them out to be, but still embarrassing. Here are a few other reasons why you shouldn't ask me for help anymore. Also, I added some ways you can figure shit out yourself. Good luck, pals.

Don't ask me to revise your paper because...

1. I secretly judge/make fun of you for your mistakes.
2. If it's a research paper about a topic I don't know anything about, my editing will most likely not affect your grade. Your professors are grading more on what you know than how you deliver the BS you pretend to know.
3. I can't not hate you for forgetting the basics of writing that you should have learned in third grade.
4. I'm just as lazy as you are, if not more.

Ways you can move forward with your writing without me:

1. Google--it can seriously become your best friend
2. http://owl.english.purdue.edu/ (Use this website for all of your APA format needs)
3. Re-read your paper and fix your "stupid mistakes"
4. If you see red anywhere in your document, that's probably a good sign that something needs to be fixed. And if you're not typing your paper, can you please let me know of a good place that sells cool quills and ink? (But really...)
5. And finally, check this out: 
   
   
   

Well, I hope this helped some of you feel better about writing on your own. If not, I will edit your paper for a small fee of $2.50 per page. No bartering allowed.